A young lady I have a blogging friendship with posted this and I found it so touching and felt so many may be able to relate in one way or another that I had to share. All of her post are so honestly revealing so if you get a chance check out her blog but for now I share this post:
Dear God,
I don’t know how to address you, especially after all this time. I
can’t imagine you this bearded old man (or woman) in the sky. I can’t
imagine you perched in pages of someone’s testament. I can’t imagine you
in a deep and unfamiliar voice that boldly sprouts from nowhere. So I
write to you instead. My mother used to write you. She never knew this
but as a child, I used to read her letters to you in her Bible. I know
that was a violation of privacy but I’ve always been in love with words
penned on pages. They tend to be more candid—or at least in our case.
Her letters were uplifting and full of wonder; other broke my heart. Her
faith quivered but I could tell that it was still there. I probably
also thought that I could understand you more through her.
My parents always spoke of religion and you interchangeably but I
could never fully embrace it. There seemed to be so many holes in
religion and I feared coming off as the spawn of the devil if I dared
to ask. A part of resented them for making me believe in notions that I
did not seem to cling to. They seem so stifling and I imagined you as
free and uninhibited as my thoughts. I’ve seen you in contagious laughs
and spellbinding smiles of children, in kind eyes, in good thoughts and
deeds, in poetry, in music, in art, in tears, in happiness, in every “I
love you”, in every changing season—somewhere in the stillness swirling
furiously and touching everything and everyone that crossed your path.
I guess you’ve noticed that we haven’t talked much in a while. I
think I brushed off nearly all of your presence after you did not come
when I needed you the most—as I was being raped. I began to see you
differently. But I did talk to you sporadically—mostly as a promiscuous
teen begging not to become pregnant. I promised that I would change my
ways if you just granted this one prayer. That one prayer morphed into
several more. It was our recurring storyline. I eventually realized that
perhaps this wasn’t the type of prayer that you really wanted to hear. I
mainly saw you as the modern day Plan B pill. I did not take you
seriously. I saw you as a convenience and wondered if I somehow became a
nuisance—an ungrateful child tugging on you.
When my sanity fluctuated, I asked you why I was born. I never
hesitated to let you know how much I hated fragments of myself and life.
After a couple of half-hearted suicide attempts as a teen, I
contemplated a nonexistence throughout my entire adulthood. My guilt,
self-destructive behaviors, and the lack of courage were the driving
forces that kept me here (or so I thought). I wanted to prove to you
that you weren’t as awesome as others pegged you out to be. I decided to
disregard you. I rarely thanked you. I infrequently acknowledged you. I
silently mocked those who were delirious in their love for you. You
were that elephant in the room that I made sure I always tiptoed around
in the dark to avoid. They say elephants never forget; neither did I no
matter how hard I tried.
I was humiliated. I knew if I faced you, I would reek of
disappointment. Disappointment would ooze from my pores and flood my
entire being. I could picture the literal disgust on your figurative
face. I could imagine you holding your nose and avoiding all eye
contact. I had to spare myself from further embarrassment. I’m
so filthy and can’t possibly see myself in you. Sure, I have some noble
qualities but not too much of me is pure—especially my intentions. I am
always faltering. I can’t even trust myself sometimes. You’ve tried to
reach me through others. I’ve watched their lips move but wasn’t open to
the vessel of truths that cascaded from them. You felt inaccessible to
me. It’s like you’re in the VIP section and I’m on the outside watching
you fulfill others because I was not properly dressed to grace your
presence. It’s like you’re flying first class and I achingly peer
through the curtains to see others licking their lips from the champagne
of your being. I feel as though I cannot afford you. I feel spiritually
bankrupted. I feel snubbed. Maybe I’m the one who has been snubbing you
this entire time and for that I am sorry.
I am finding my way back to you. I’ve been away for far too long.
Please forgive me for resenting you all these years. Please help me to
forgive myself. Help me heal so I can forgive others. Help my find
purpose. Help me to love myself. Help me to live my life without fear
because I feel so consumed by it. Help me see the splendor of life. Save
me from my destructive behaviors and thoughts. Lift me up because I’m
tired of falling apart at the seams. I’m tired of doing this without
you. I’ve treated you and myself with reckless abandon. I need help to
make it up to the both of us. Thank you for the things that you’ve
already done for me that I have so blatantly ignored. I will be more
appreciative and receptive towards you.
With Love,
Nisha
